Happiness On Demand

Hello Reader,

I have always been emotionally avoidant. Avoiding meaningful connections. Avoiding relationships. I've always run away when things got even mildly "real".

Lately, though, I’ve been feeling different. I would even go so far as to say that I’ve finally solved my issues around relationships (fingers crossed).

Fortunately, I didn't need years of therapy to heal.

I only needed 20 years of self-help.

(It's a joke, because why would anyone choose the longer path... but we'll get to that in a moment.)

In all seriousness, realizing that still made me laugh.

I mean, come on! Twenty years for what could probably have been solved by a therapist in weeks, maybe months at most?

20 years seems such a long time, and I know many will argue that self-help isn't worth it if it takes this long.

But the real punchline here is that for most of that time, I had no clue that there was a problem.

How could I heal a problem if I didn't know it existed?

Of course, I wouldn’t be here writing this to you if I could have solved my problems 20 years ago.

And the journey itself is far from meaningless.

So the point is, It doesn't really matter how many months or years of therapy or self-help is needed to heal.

What matters is that healing doesn't begin until you become aware of the problem.

That's what we'll be talking about today.

It's awareness that matters most

One of my favorite sayings is: You can’t fix what you don’t know is broken.

What it means is that the true problem is a lack of awareness. Therefore, becoming aware is the solution. When you look back at your past, like I did, you may think, "Why didn't I fix this sooner?" But awareness isn't something you can force.

As time passes, if you live consciously enough (not just scrolling on your phone the entire time), your perception of things will change.

Along with a new perspective comes awareness. You start to see things from a different perspective.

It’s like trying to find the remote to your TV that has been missing for quite some time. You just can’t find it no matter what, until suddenly you glance at the couch from a part of the room you rarely stand in. From this perspective, the remote is clearly visible. From all other angles, it had just been perfectly camouflaged amongst the pillows.

So you can only work from the perspective you currently have.

If your issues are invisible to you, every strategy you develop simply becomes a coping mechanism that adapts around them.

By the way, that’s why therapy can be so powerful. The therapist sees your issues from a different perspective, allowing you to quickly become aware of them. Quicker than you would by yourself.

That being said, there are ways to increase your awareness without going to therapy.

In fact, for healing, you already have the perfect tool for the job.

The pain you feel is pointing to what needs healing

A helpful way to understand what I’m getting to here is to rethink what we call "symptoms."

Take physical pain. Pain isn't your body working against you. It's your body's way of saying, "Something needs your attention." If you accidentally touch a hot stove, the pain makes you pull your hand away before more damage is done. Without pain, you could seriously injure yourself without realizing it.

Our emotional pain works in a similar way.

We often treat emotions like sadness, grief, fear, or anger as problems to get rid of as quickly as possible. But these emotions didn't appear by accident. They are trying to communicate something important.

Grief helps us process loss and gradually let go of what can no longer be held onto.

Anger tells us that a boundary has been crossed and gives us the energy to protect ourselves.

Fear alerts us to possible danger and encourages caution.

Rather than asking, "How do I get rid of this feeling?" it can be more helpful to ask, "What is this feeling trying to tell me?"

That doesn't mean every painful emotion should simply be accepted without question, or that the pain these conditions bring shouldn’t be alleviated. It wouldn’t be beneficial to reduce depression or anxiety to "just signals."

Mental health challenges are often complex and can involve biology, life experiences, relationships, and our environment. But seeing emotions as messages instead of enemies can completely change how we respond to them.

Instead of fighting every uncomfortable feeling, we can become curious about what it's pointing toward.

Often, our emotions are trying to guide us back toward what we need to heal, protect, or change.

Healing happens in layers

The thing about emotional pain is that it points to what we most need to heal at this very moment.

This shouldn’t really come as a surprise, but we are so used to ignoring and suppressing our emotions that we neglect to focus on the wound they are trying to point us to.

We spend enormous amounts of energy trying to silence pain before we've listened to it (that’s not your fault, that’s what we’ve learned to do). It's a bit like disconnecting the smoke alarm because the beeping is annoying while the toast is still burning in the kitchen. The alarm isn't the fire. It's pointing toward the fire.

Again, let’s use physical pain as an example, because it’s more straightforward to understand: Physical pain exists to direct your attention. If you break your ankle, pain keeps you from putting weight on it so it can heal. If you touch a hot stove, pain tells you to pull your hand away. Without pain, injuries would often go unnoticed until they became much worse.

Emotional pain can serve a similar purpose.

• Loneliness may reveal a need for connection (you don’t say)
• Anxiety may tell you that something feels unsafe or out of alignment
• Guilt may point to actions that conflict with your core values (even if you haven’t explored what they are)
• Grief guides you to let go of what you've lost

That doesn't mean every painful emotion is an accurate guide to what’s going on in your subconscious mind.

Sometimes emotional pain is amplified by trauma, distorted beliefs, or an overactive threat response. But even then, the pain is still telling you something important.

Your anxiety may function like physical pain signaling: “Hey, your hand is on a hot stove, pull it off!”, meaning that your external environment is not supporting your well-being. For example, your job may force you to act against your core values, sapping your energy and making you angry.

Your depression may also function just like physical pain signaling: “Hey, you’ve broken your ankle, you really need to stop walking for a moment to allow this to heal”, meaning that you are holding on to unprocessed grief, constantly putting emotional weight on the wound, not allowing it to heal.

But when you’ve listened to the pain and healed it, you might find out that you're still in pain. You still don’t feel quite right. Yes, you're doing better than before, but you're not 100% well and happy.

That’s because your mind is now ready to process something deeper. Something that was previously hidden because you weren’t ready for it. It’s another layer of wounds that need your attention to heal.

This is the process.

It’s like an onion getting peeled one layer at a time, revealing deeper and deeper layers in the process (and possibly making you cry along the way).

The layers reveal themselves naturally when you the process to unfold and stop resisting it. The pain is the signal guiding your attention. Your mind knows what needs your attention for healing to take place.

And if we can accept, forgive, and let go of the things that cause our pain, we’ll find that sooner rather than later, there’s no more pain left to feel.

So we’re not stuck in a forever loop of cycling from one pain to another.

How to increase your awareness?

It’s all well and good on paper, but in reality, letting go of deep-seated emotional loops and thought patterns can take more than just “allowing them to unfold”.

Yes, the pain you feel is a signal that’s telling you something needs attention. But just like a smoke alarm is a signal that there’s probably a fire somewhere, the noise can be so loud and distracting that you become disoriented. The alarm may need to be dealt with first before you can start to figure out what caused it.

So first and foremost, it’s ok and advisable to seek relief.

Now, how do we become aware of the issues behind our pain?

I mentioned that therapy can be very powerful for this purpose, and it is. A therapist, a coach, or even a good friend can help you see things from a different perspective. By just talking with someone, you can become aware of things that were previously hidden from you. Talk to someone and ask for their help if you can.

Besides therapy and just talking, there are other ways to increase your awareness:

1. Express your emotions

One of the most powerful tools for moving emotions through your system is your creative expression.

As I’ve written many times before (because this really drives the point through), express comes from Latin meaning “to press out”, quite literally meaning that you can press out your emotions and allow the issues behind them to come to your conscious awareness.

Just start simple. Grab a pen and paper and start writing. Write whatever comes to mind without any filters. Write for 5 minutes and see what surfaces. You might be surprised by what you’ve written down if you give it a chance.

2. Take a walk

If your mind or emotions seem stuck, a good way to get them moving is to move your body. Leave your phone at home if you can, and go for a 30-minute walk.

Walk slowly and allow your mind to drift. Your mind and body are one interconnected system, so moving your body will start to move your emotions and thoughts too. See what surfaces.

3. Meditate

I know many people are put off by the word “meditation”. But in this case, it only means sitting quietly and still with your eyes closed.

Find a place where it’s quiet and where you won’t be disturbed for 15 to 20 minutes. Sit comfortably, no need to cross your legs or anything like that. Just be comfortable. Use pillows behind your back if necessary.

Close your eyes and breathe slowly and deeply. Observe your thoughts. Again, you might be surprised by what thoughts and emotions surface.

4. Read a book, take a course, watch a video, etc.

Your pain is trying to get your attention, and your mind is seeking for solutions. Keep an open mind and go to your favorite platform.

It may seem far-fetched, but I personally have found so many solutions to my problems and answers to my questions just by browsing YouTube.

So browse books, lessons, videos, whatever. See what “speaks” to you or “resonates” with you. Your mind is looking for answers, and you can find them in many places if you’re willing to be curious.

“When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”.

Conclusion: Healing starts with awareness

None of this means you need to welcome pain or seek it out. Pain is difficult, and it's natural to want relief.

But perhaps instead of asking, "How do I make this feeling go away?" we can begin asking, "What is this feeling trying to tell me?"

That single shift in perspective can open up new doorways to healing.

And healing isn't about becoming someone who never struggles. Struggles are normal and a part of life. Healing means you start to listen to yourself (thoughts, emotions, intuition) and become more aware of what your discomfort is trying to tell you.

Take care of yourself this week, and if something uncomfortable shows up, try listening before pushing it away. You might discover it's been pointing you toward healing all along.

Until next time,

Think happy thoughts!

​- Atte

P.S. The next steps after becoming aware of the problem are acceptance and alignment. You can learn the full (Awareness, Acceptance Alignment) AAA Framework in this blog post on my website.

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